WHO WE ARE

From mead hall to saw mill, from castle to cavern, we are The Shit.

…”Chosen One,” “Listener,” “dragonborn”—I tell ya I can’t stroll into a room these days without some jackass trumpeting my Great Arrival. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. It’s just I can’t help but question my own eminence. Why me exactly? I rarely lift a goddamn finger to help these people. Are they in on it, ya think? Have I become the business end of that Ralph Ellison line…an oppressor, “overcome with yeses, undermined with grins, agreed to death and destruction”?

We are the 1%—that small fraction of Skyrim’s population who can actually achieve, who will do anything of note ever. And for whom the world revolves around. I feel it: fifty-six hours in, I don’t earn renown, I am assailed with it. Just recently, a young, fresh-faced courier braved the hellish cold of the East to deliver into my potato-filching hands a precious parcel: an invitation to a museum. Why are you doing this? I asked him. You could be living my life: slaying dragons; marrying busty, dead-eyed women; accumulating immeasurable quantities of  goat cheese wheels. But instead you choose this. Why, man? Why?

I once reveled in the weightlessness of coin…at how expertly value and substance in Skyrim has been cleaved in two; but lately I’ve been reveling less and less. My heart’s no longer in it. What was the last straw, you ask? It was something the leader of the Dark Brotherhood, Astrid, said to me…a statement which summed up (for me) the underlying injustice of Skyrim—

“We’ve got to deal with this situation.

You’ve got to deal with this situation.”

I am, you see, the result of a prophet-driven culture; a systemic inequality that lurks behind the wondrous, beautiful curtain of Skyrim. An inequality of ones and zeroes. The citizens of the various towns and cities that dot the world of Skyrim all talk about doing great things…of being great people…but despite their best efforts, they cannot, and will never be. Only we are allowed.

It’s sad, really. Despite the living, breathing realness of the world; despite its being inhabited by hundreds; I am and will always be its One Champion. And it isn’t as if the citizens are lazy—the great fervor with which they rally around me disputes that very point. No, they are kept out of greatness, away from greatness by the very programming of the world they inhabit; by a procedural inequality that sees them speak of greatness but never have the means to actually obtain it. It pains me to say it, but the world of Skyrim—on the social level—is inherently broken. Their love for prophets, programmed, automatic, has blinded them.

The sovereign people of any nation have the power, the right, and the duty, of guiding the destiny of their nation. Not just your bitchin’ dark elf.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

1 – START THE FUCK OVER

In order to fix this, we’ll need to reboot the world, to return to zero. Do not fret. I say have a little fun with it—create a totally fresh character who’ll match this new, socially-aware playthrough. Here’s mine:

I call him “Warren Buffett,” a sort-of “fallen king,” out to reclaim his own soul. His focus is on pickpocketing and speechcraft. Oh and he has a wicked axe swing.

2 – GIVE UP YOUR ASPIRATIONS AND SHIT

Or rather, aspire towards so-so-ness. It’ll be okay. No, literally—it’ll be just okay. No longer will you fight dragons; no longer will you stumble your way into the elite circles of Skyrim. No, OccupySkyrim, for us, means Unoccupying Skyrim. It means rejecting our privileged status. But have no fear: you will become the greatest so-so the world has ever seen.

3 – DON’T BE A TOTAL DOUCHE

No longer will you exploit the blindness of Skyrim’s citizens, either by adherence to the flawed social system, or by placing buckets on folks’ heads. Other things you won’t do: set bystanders on fire; lead them into the golf-swings of giants; or strip them and position their bodies atop a rock so that it looks like you’re humping them…unless doing so empowers citizens.

4 – BUT KIND OF ONE THOUGH

…Yet all things in balance, you see. How else will you coerce citizens into taking up the reins of their own greatness if not by forcing them into situations that will allow them to prove it to themselves? Even the situations above might fall into this category: What greater symbol of action is there than a man on fire? what does a man learn about himself in being swatted by a giant? and how passionate for social justice will a witness to the aforementioned dead body-hump suddenly become?

Things we must consider.

5 – RE-EDUCATE THE MASSES

Skyrim is littered with books that speak of prophecies, chosen ones, and the like. Remove these promptly, forcibly even. Make a public display of your destroying them. Reenforce this exhibition by casting “Calm” on witnesses.

6 – “ROB” GREATNESS INTO THE PEOPLE

Revolution is dirty business, and the people will need the proper tools. Think of all those Skyrim-ians who are walking around with flimsy daggers and fur armor: no wonder they achieve nada. It’s time to fix that. If you happen upon a kick-ass suit of armor, never, ever wear it. No, go directly to a town and find someone with a sparse inventory; reverse-pickpocket them into greatness. Create entire towns of Daedric armor-clad hobos. It’s the only way, I tell ya!

7 – LURE DESTINY TO THE MASSES

And it will get dirtier still. Here’s one variation of this step: Find a dragon, then lure him towards a town. When he arrives the citizens will begin to attack it, during which time you will cower, snacking on cheese perhaps, until the time that said dragon is slain. If townfolks are slain, haul ass to the next town, dragon in tow.

Another variation: lure vampires into town.

8 – ENCOURAGE REBELLION

Skyrim is filled with bright young lads who dream (purportedly) of greatness. Find one, and equip him with the the baddest of the bad-ass. Afterwards, lead him into a den of armed guards and cast “fury” on him. Honor his sacrifice.

9 – BECOME THE SCOURGE

Alternatively, you might descend upon one of these weapon-utopias…Bring your A-game. Give ’em hell. For their own good.

10 – DESTROY THE OPPRESSORS

Yet, despite all the steps mentioned above, you’ll find those still who insist upon this social disparity. These people must be purged from the world. Kill them openly and fiercely. Should a courier brave hell for you, strike him down. Greet honor with death, and do so in public, so that citizens can see what happens to those who cling helplessly to out-modded social constructs.

Follow us @occupyskyrim!