October CoroCoro reveals more awkward Pokemon

Okay, I freely admit: at this point, four days from its Japanese release, I’m excited about Pokemon Black and White. Genuinely excited. The kind of excitement I reserve for things like Bastion, or for firing up a game of Solium Infernum in a couple minutes. When I’m done making fun of these Pokemon.

This will forever be the only post on the internet tagged both with Pokemon and a hex strategy game about ruling hell. I’d like to point this out.

Anyway, there are new Pokemon. Pocket Monsters, if you will. And we’ve got some fine, respectful comments about them, because this is the last time we get to do this. After this, I will endeavor to radio silence about Pokemon Black and White, so that I will be surprised when I find Pokemon X in Pokezone B.

(All pictures, and most information that isn’t slanderous, courtesy of Bulbanews, friendly newswiki bit of Bulbapedia. Which is a quality place.)

If there’s a page to make fun of, this is it. Anyone aware of the new season of the Pokemon anime is familiar with one of these characters, Dent, the Pokemon…sommelier. Let me point out right now how wrong that word is used, since he’s supposed to be able to see the compatibility of Pokemon and people. Which I guess makes sense, if you’re blitheringly retarded. Personally, I like to imagine him getting Pokemon drunk.

ANYWAY. Apparently him and his broccoli monkey have two counterparts, who look very similar and have equally dumb monkeys. I have to say, I’m not feeling these collections of seasonal, varied Pokemon. So there’re grass, fire, and water monkeys. So what. My hunch, actually, is that Dent (the first gym leader) gets replaced by a different guy as first gym leader depending on which starter you pick. So, like, he’ll be there is you pick ugly fire Pokemon. Those of us who pick Smugleaf would get the water monkey.

That’s my hunch, at least. It’d be a good way to help new players and make the game accessible, which is often a goal of Nintendo games.

And did I mention they look really, really silly in those suits? Oh. I did. Because they do.

Let’s move on to actual monsters you can put in your pocket. Or would want to, because no one would ever want to use the broccoli ape, unless they were also confused by the word sommelier.

Let me stop for a second. I have an irrational love for ghost type Pokemon. I was broken up about not being able to use Gastly in either Red or Crystal when I recently played them (or Misdreavous, but he’s gone forever). In Emerald, I used Shuppet, even though Shuppet kind of sucks. In Platinum, I’m currently rocking Dusclops. Ghost types are my favorite.

That thing in the top right, though? THAT IS NO GHOST TYPE I WILL USE. It’s pretty much an abomination. An abortion of good taste. A horror show. Like, I’ve warmed up a lot to the new Pokemon designs, but him? No. Can’t do it. I bet we find him in a pyramid ruins. And he’s awful. And I will kill him so hard every time.

Fortunately, the rest are significantly more refined. Under him is a big dragon type that’s most likely an evolution of the this lovely critter, and is pure dragon type. It doesn’t look that bad, I’ll admit, though I’m not a big fan. The fantastic looking electric/bug type below him though looks pretty great, and I’m especially fond of Mogryu’s evolution there, which gets a steel type. Apparently they’re the onix of this game, but without the pesky rock typing in the first form. Pretty awesome, and moles. MOLES.

The other side has two generic Pokemon and the VIOLENT FISH. You think I’m kidding. That’s his descriptor. He’s violent. And a fish. And also apparently different between the two games. Anyway, just his description is kind of hilarious, and water types are the most useful… Oh, wait, there’s two other Pokemon here. The dog looks…kind of cute and fuzzy, I guess. Not my kind of hard boiled killing machine who guzzles whiskey and chain smokes, but useful variety. The pure dark type cat will be Poochyena, and I will be fucking angry, like I always was when I found a Poochyena when leveling up my Ralts.

I realize most people’s Pokemon don’t guzzle whiskey and chain smoke, but mine do. Because my Pokemon live in Dashiell Hammet’s world of pocketable monsters.

Third page, ho!

The first Pokemon who will catch your eye is Afro Buffalo, who is *not* a retro themed Mega Man X boss, but rather Pokemon Black and White’s answer to Tauros. He’s Tauros, plain and simple. Below him we have a…what the fuck is that? I mean, it doesn’t look stupider than something like Solrock, but…I guess there had to be at least one terrible looking rock type, so sure. Go ahead, you can exist. I just won’t use you.

I have no care in the world for Bambi’s Mom. She gets her own paragraph, but I don’t care. It is a deceptive paragraph.

On the other page, we have Clefairy 2 up top. I mean, I don’t object. B&W needed a Clefairy alike, and it couldn’t be Clefairy. So why not that fairly decent looking normal who can probably use every TM in the game. Beneath her are two version exclusives, both grass/flying looking types. They both look pretty cool, but my care level with grass pokemon is small: Smugleaf has them beat. Below them is a grass/poison mushroom with a poke-ball for a head. He’d be kind of adorable if not for the horrible pink mouth/nose. Almost adorable.

Pokemon Black and White are out in a matter of days in Japan. If I spoke Japanese, you’d bet I’d be playing them, but as a Westerner through and through I’ll have to wait like the rest of you until it comes out in the Spring.