New Pokemon!: the not so fun edition

Well, depends what your definition of fun is. I have good news and bad news. The good news is there’s new Pokemon, and they look pretty fantastic. The bad news is that, with so much awesome padding, I can’t really slag them too much. They look like Pokemon I’d love to have on my team, which makes it tough to insult them.

And you’re a cut away from pictures you could see on Serebii, and commentary you definitely couldn’t. Because we use mature language here!

Two of these pokemon we recognize from previous promotional videos. One of them has been redeemed. Bambi, the Pokemon formerly known as Bambi, is now Bambeevee. I mean, it still looks like Bambi, but one of my pet peeves about the previous games was how omnipresent Eevee was. It seemed like such a sellout to the furry fans: hey guys, this badass fox becomes these eighteen badass things! And it’s a fox! Well no more! No more! Now, it’s a deer that’s straight outta Compta Disney movie!

Not redeemed is retarded raccoon’s evolved form. Less said about it the better. No, you know what? The more said the better. Because all the other pokemon I’m going to post about are *awesome*, the kind of pocket monsters I want on my team. Retarded raccoon? He looks like Mr. Miyagi crossed with a sex offender crossed with the Kool Aid Man crossed with cancer. God dammit. And he was one of the first new Pokemon released! How did they think this was one of their most popular Pokemon? Seriously. He hurts me, just looking at him. Every time I run into one, I will have to mercilessly slaughter it, string it up by its entrails, and leave it for Pidgey* to eat.

The pokemon that looks exactly like Pidgey, I mean.

Let’s move on to the better Pokemon. Sure, Caterpie with a pair of balls on his forehead and pink fishmon might not look great, but they’re not too bad. Really, we should focus on the mole. Sure, he looks a lot like Mogu from Breath of Fire, but that’s cool. Mogu was awesome. And Molemon, molemon will be awesome, too.

But the real champion is yet to come. Let’s go to page 2, shall we?

Holy shit it’s a swan. Now, you’d think I’d hate it, because I am morally opposed to Pokemon that can be found in nature. Yeah, yeah, I know. Shut up for a second, fact-checking police. I objected to pidgey 2 because…pidgey 2 is fucking lame. Swans, however, are the badasses of nature. Swans are murderous sons of bitches. If you gave a swan a gun, it would probably shoot you in the kneecaps and squawk at you for ten minutes. Swans are incredible jerks, and there’s nothing better to have on your side than an incredible jerk.

Let’s move on to the last two. There’s poop and red rock there, who’s…they’ve done worse. It’s hard to get excited about him because he looks so mediocre. Like, I don’t hate him, I wouldn’t use him, but he doesn’t appear astonishingly generic, either. Nothing in nature resembles that monstrosity. But I said two, and you’re wondering, “Jesus, Tom, did you forget to take your Alzheimer’s medication, or did you forget the last one?” Well, the one in the bottom right doesn’t count. He’s been mentioned before, and I hate him. No, what I meant was this:

…a badass electric/flying flying squirrel. Look, he’s not the most original design, but he’s so cute! It’s like he’s wearing a cape! How could you not love the little guy? That’s right, you couldn’t unless you were a soulless killing machine. Like a swan. And if you’re a swan, and you’re not on our side, then what business do you have here?

That’s it. Your new pokemon. Well, some of them. Obviously, more will be revealed in the breaking of the newest Pokemon games, and even more after its release in Japan on September 18th. Of course, there will be a U.S. release eventually, when they can translate all the believing in yourself into American.

And then we will mock it mercilessly.