Top Ten Game Characters that Need a Stache

If there is one thing that I have learned by watching the Spongebob movie and lurking in the interwebs is that everyone knows that a man needs a mustache in order to be truly a man. But what people don’t know is how important it is for videogames characters to have a shinny stache as well. You can ask Des Lynam that and he’ll confirm it to you.

A mustache is a metaphor for strength, power and virility. The shape of normal mustache is telling: 2 feet ready to kick psychic obstacles out of your month’s way. Some people say a moustache is the root of an unfinished beard, a romantic symbol of the incompleteness of our contemporary and the charming boyish immaturity of our ways. These people clearly don’t own a mustache.

The following characters also don’t own a mustache. But they really should.

10 – The Undead!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shhh… we never use the “Z” word…
We all know how the Resident Evil games work: the living dead are scary at first, but then, once we get cooler weapons, we spent more time running after them than running from them. Some used to say that was because they were slow. Nonsense! The same thing happens with their running counterparts .

The true reason? They lack mustaches!

It’s THAT simple: mustachioed undead are scarier. That’s like scientifically proven or something.

9 –Mega Man

Poor Mega Man… he never achieved the same status he once had among the 2D Platformers on the 3D world. Capcom, after releasing more Mega Man Battle Network games that anyone could digest, finally resigned itself and now we can only see Blue Bomber in games that emulate his NES looks.

Frankly, we don’t believe Mega deserve such a fate. He needs to finally evolve. His franchise needs is to impact the newer as well as the older gamers – and is there a better way to do that other than with a mustache?

(The answer is “no”, obviously)

8 – Phoenix Wright

Objection!

Rookie attorney Phoenix Wright already knows that once in the courtroom, it’s all about presence. And a good mustache is the best way to get that theatrical presence.

Mustache are also very useful to portrait experience! This is also something any attorney certainly needs. I bet you could even use it at difficult cases as proof: “Your Honor, how can the defendant by guilty when I have a mustache like this?”

7 – Seaman

Right at the time that “Hey You, Pikachu!” was released for the N64, there was another virtual-pet-that-uses-a-mic thing for the Dreamcast. Sadly, it never met success – which meant that its incredible humor potential just went to waste. Which is crazy since the game’s narrator was LEONARD NIMOY!

How could anyone not like Seaman’s “incredibly charming face plus Spock” combo is beyond me. Poor Seaman needs a Seamustache.

6 – Zangief

Now, now… I know what you thinking:

“HEY, Zangief already has a mustache!!”

Well, he needs TWO then.
See, I win.

For it’s inconceivable that one of the hairest game characters ever doesn’t boast 2 mustaches instead of one.

5 – King Hippo

King Hippo is the oddball from PunchOut. His defense is impenetrable until he opens his big mouth. When his mouth is hit, Hippo reveals his one weakness, a band-aid on his belly.

So, what to do? Protect his “band-aid”? NO! Protect his month!
And isn’t month protection the first use discovered for mustaches? It protect us from hot soup, from showing food in your teeth, bullets, cold weather and, yes, Little Mac’s fists.

4 – Purple Tentacle

After drinking some toxic waste, the little Purple Tentacle felt, in his own words, “I feel like I could… I feel like I could… take on the world!”

And so he did!
It was the so called Day …of the tentacle (June, the 4th, right?).

Now just imagine if, after his mutation, Purple Tentacle had also got a mustache! Imagine how high his new tentacle-ish ambitions would be? Scared? You should be.

3 – Pac Man

 

 

 

 
Yet another character that failed to make the 2D to 3D jump and it’s forever doomed to stay preserved in our memories of the past (or recreations of our memories of the past). While I don’t think a moustache would help in that aspect (since it would be also a 2D stache), at least that would make the original Pac Man look better than Ms. Pac Man!

Yeah, it’s time to show the kids who wear the pants in this relationship, Pac Man! Show it with a mustache!

2 – Duke Nukem

When you have a game that has been postponed ever since 97 – but never cancelled – you KNOW you have to play it! It’s the game with the biggest amount of developing time ever – and they better release that game with some sort of anniversary edition for all those years we have waited.

In fact, good old Duke has waited so much to come back in action, he grew a mustache.

1 – Link

That was kinda obvious, wasn’t it?

I mean, how come Link can be as heroic as Mario, sell more games than Mario, be in a better shape than Mario and always come in second? Not only that, but while Princess Toadstool is always awarding Mario with cakes and kisses (we I read as metaphor for monarchic sluttiness), poor Link gets nothing from saving Zelda… and Hyrule.

Mario’s mustache is the gap between Link and the #1 spotlight from Nintendo, and that’s why he’s the character that most desperately needs a mustache.

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