Sequels that should have been: Doki Doki Panic

Somewhere, if we ascribe to the comic book based theory of alternate worlds, in another earth we are playing Doki Doki Galaxy instead of Mario Galaxy. In America, we would have localized it to Heartbeat Galaxy, and we would be flying around with Mama, Papa, Imajin, and Lina on a giant, pulsing heart, doki doki, doki doki the only sound effects.

For the unacquainted, Doki Doki Panic is known as Super Mario Brothers 2 outside of Japan. It’s not really a Mario game—while Doki Doki Panic characters have migrated into Mario games (the Shy Guys, Birdo), mechanically it’s night and day to the traditions of Mario. Levels tend to scroll vertically, you kill enemies by picked up turnips and radishes, and if you’re not being chased by horrible floating masks count yourself lucky.

It’s also Arabian themed, as opposed to the Italian plumber and whimsey of the Mario universe. No Mushroom Kingdom, yes Prince of Persia.

Doki Doki Panic, however, would make a fantastic modern game. In terms of ideas, it might as well have been ten years ahead of its time. Originally, it was a multiplayer platformer where you could pick up and throw your friends.

This idea sounds familiar to anyone who’s played New Super Mario Brothers, and would obviously factor into any new stab at Doki Doki Panic. How else would you justify the game to a publisher? But as a title that provides frantic multiplayer, Doki Doki Panic would have the structural sense. Vertical levels would encourage you to “accidentally” kill your friends a lot easier than Mario’s linear levels.

Couple this with the ability to throw vegetation and you have yourself a fun game. But wait! Why stop there? Why not make it a multiplayer up scroller where everyone gets a gravity gun, everyone gets the ability to pull turnips out of the group and screw around with physics for the pure fun of it? Give us enemies to fight off by violently ripping vegetables from the ground and stones from walls and throwing them. Let it be a gleeful orgy of destruction, a frantic, happy narrative until your friend accidentally hits you with a turnip in the head, causing you to black out. Then let the screaming commence as you shoot each other with gravity defying beams until your both floating in the air above a bottomless pit.

I mean, the real idea behind Doki Doki Panic was that it was utterly ludicrous. Playing the game makes you feel like you are trying to tame chaos, hoping the mechanics do what you want instead of something completely different, so a sequel should run with this. Go absolutely off the deep end. Make the weirdest game ever, one where a gender-confused pink dinosaur thing is the sanest possible enemy. Hey, there’s a chef who shoves ladles up his butt and fires ice cream from his eyes! He’s a boss! That’s a magic robot swan! Watch out, he’s about to fire his crab cannon!

Good god, man, there’s no way this game wouldn’t be fantastic. A little bit Captain Rainbow, a little New Super Mario Brothers Wii, a little inexplicable Prince of Persia, a little Half Life 2 (the gravity gun), and you’ve got what would be the be all and end all of mindfuck games. Hallelujah and praise the lord.