Crimson: Steam Pirates – Review

Like Sid Meier’s Pirates but, you know, actually fun.

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CRIMSON: STEAM PIRATES is a videogame developed by Harebrained Schemes, published by Bungie Aerospace Corporation for the iPad. It was directed by JORDAN WEISMAN, MITCH GITELMAN and ALJERNON BOLDEN.

Crimson: Steam Pirate is, basically, golf.
Well, with two – and sometimes three – golf balls.

And the golf balls automatically shoot the adversary’s golf balls when they are near one another.

And instead of a hitting a golf hole, you have to plunder treasure chests, explode volcanos, rampage through fortresses and board other shi- er, golf balls. Then you aim at your next hole and hope to finish the course under par.

You see, the funny thing about Steam Pirates, is that its gameplay could be masked as anything. No, really. Anything. Turn-based Mario Kart game? Sure, why not? Turn-based DOOM? I suppose. Turn-based Ikaruga? Hm… I might have to get back to you on that one. Generally, however, as long as a game features something that moves and fires, as well as something to be reached and fired at, Crimson: Steam Pirate‘s gameplay would fit.

But that’s the thing, right? Games for iPads should be simple. Simple enough so that you can play them in small bursts and still feel rewarded. In other words, gulp gameplay. Gulp gameplay is tomorrow’s FPS. It worked for Tetris, Picross 3D, Elite Beat Agents and Angry Birds – and it works here as well. Here, the reward is the story. There are points for completing missions as well, but who cares about those?

Crimson: Steam Pirates is episodic in nature. It tells the “Tales of Chapter Blood” and you can play the 8 stages of Chapter 1 for free, after which you can buy Chapter 2 for US$1.99 – which I did, by the way. This implies that either the game is good, that I’m lying or than I am an idiot. I probably am an idiot regardless, so please carry on.

You see, the story of Steam Pirates is as lunatic as it comes. Mark Twain is a character; Nikola Tesla is another; and the Confederates have just invaded Cuba. 1888 surely was an eventful year. You follow the story of Thomas Blood – no relationship with Errol Flynn’s Captain Blood, but sure enough the game includes a few references here and there – an Irish prisoner turned pirate who is filled with glee at the idea of breaking havoc. Kind of like a Bizarro Robin Hood, another Errol Flynn character, by the way.

The story mainly plays out before and after each stage. After you are briefed of “The Plan”, the gamey bits start, during which you control Blood’s ships, which have no personality whatsoever. Like golf balls, you prepare your swing by setting their trajectories and choosing some kind of bonus for each ship – “repair ship”, “move farther”, “shoot faster”, etc – and let them fly. The universe of Crimson more than makes up for that lack of personality though. Instead of commanding my brigade, for example, I spend my time clicking on every other ship or fort in the map just to read the bios of these steampunk pirates. They are illustrated by pictures of real actors in costumes, which I found very appealing for some reason. Instead of starting a playing session, I visit the game’s website to learn more about its lore. It’s not so much that it is particularly deep as it is surprisingly amusing.

I might have spent US$1,99 just for that: to see the still frames of Captain Blood in action while reading the short paragraphs about his tales: how he met Julius Verne or how he had lost a bet and had to invade a French fort for a fancy dress. It’s all so bananas it’s as if it was written by a five-year-old. An awesome five-year-old.

Crimson is the portrayal of pirates we long needed in our portable devices: a romantic, cheerful one. Too long has Sid Meier’s Pirates! reigned as a reference for portable piracy. While Sid Meier’s Pirates! focuses on the menial, drudgery aspects of being a pirate – the long travels in empty seas, the saloon visiting routine, the daily grind of swashbuckling and treasure hunting (wait, what…?) – Crimson doesn’t have time for any of that. It drops the open world in favor of a leaner, more focused lark narrative and never looks back.

Besides, who cares about dancing with the Governor’s daughter when you have a submarine to sail and Crown Jewels to steal?