New Pokemon are affront to God

The hardest part of this post was finding something more horrible than the things that are below, beneath the cut. It was hard work, dear reader! Fortunately, the above picture was provided for me, and off we’ve gone.

Now, you might recall that other new Pokemon have been announced, and were universally terrible compared to the guiding light of Smugleaf. Now, new, horrible Pokemon exist, and we will continue to judge them against the glory that is the Smug one!

Now, I’ve seen a lot of shitty Pokemon in my lifetime. Remember when they made Luvdisc? I remember. Remember when they made Nosepass? I remember. Remember when they made Shuckle? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Well, move over those guys! We’ve got some new winners!

Let’s start with the obvious. Yes I’m talking about the raccoon who’s drunk fifteen galloons of red Kool Aid, eaten thirty seven bananas, and then went for a good old sniff in your month old garbage; its tail is erect in defiance of god’s will! Seriously. That’s probably the most horrifying Pokemon I’ve ever seen. If children see that, they might cry. Or shit themselves in horror. I…I’m hoping this is a rare pokemon, because there are few things I would kill with more extreme prejudice than that.

Let’s move clockwise to…a boring eagle! Here’s what’s happening to Pokemon: all the new ones are either what the fuck awful like Sarcophagusmon (visible on the side of one of the screenshots, but an honest to god sarcophagus) to bland, boring, look I’m a fucking eagle pokemon. That’s what it is, a fucking eagle. And sure, fucking eagle looks cool, but I dunno. It’s kind of…unoriginal. Personally, I prefer the what the f-

Okay, no, seriously. Who the hell is the green guy inside the green bubbles. Apparently he’s electric type. This makes sense, because only people who needed electric paddles to save themselves from near death would be able to imagine something as tremendously terrifying as that thing. Seriously, that thing shouldn’t exist. It’s terrible. It’s like Slimer up and ate another pokemon, and then lost all his personality. I’m…I’m moving on. Jesus.

I have to admit, JapaneseFashionmon has grown on me. It looks like a horrible female Gligar, and god knows I wouldn’t be caught dead using one unless it’s Dark/Psychic or something, but…you know, I’ve warmed up on it. Despite the fact that the dress is like something a depressed, gothic lolita J Pop star would wear.

Nothing to see with Horny. I mean, he’s a small lizard with a horn. I think we already have like fifty of those, but…apparently not enough. Whatever.

And on to the last one. Now, you saw Skipper the Eye Child and thought, oh man, Tom’s going to ream that fucker back to the dark ages. Well, you’re wrong. You’re dead wrong. He looks like a soulful, loving zubat. The kind of Pokemon you could snuggle up to on a dark day. No, friends, Skipper will be my precious son, my faithful man servant, my sometimes lover. Me in the game. Metaphorically speaking. A platonic kind of love, like between Ash and Pikachu, or Ash and that stick over there that doesn’t involve itself with the plot in any way, or Ash and you, dear reader.

There’s some other new Pokemon, too, grabbed from various screencaps, but you know what? I don’t care enough for them. I’m done. Skipper and Smugleaf and I will frolick into the night.