New Pokemon Revealed; Universally Terrible Compared to Smugleaf
Let’s be honest right now: compared to Smugleaf, all Pokemon are pieces of piss. Excuse my French.
But these new ones? These new ones are pretty much the worst Pokemon I’ve ever seen. Serebii and Bulbapedia have the complete news, but you don’t come here for the complete news. You come here for swift, convincing judgment of the newest of Mons, and let me tell you, my judgment shall be quick and numerous.
Well, where to start with this clusterfuck of terrible, nightmare Pokemon? Let’s start with Pidgey. Important safety tip: there’s a new Pidgey. He is normal/flying, or, more specifically, he is Pidgey type. His neighbor in the bottom right hand corner? Oh, that’s Sentret. He’s useless as shit, too. Worse than useless. Fantastically, utterly failtastic. Awful.
Let’s move on to Magnemite. Except he’s just Steel type. He’s also gears. You know what really grinds my gears? Pokemon who are random mechanical objects that have no reason to be animate. And if you thought the fourth would be any better, Florapig over there is the new psychic type you’ll be forced to use in the early game because Psychic is really broken. He has FUCKING FLOWERS ON HIM. And looks like a balloon pig. He’s probably the balloon pig, in fact. Jesus.
Let’s move on. These Pokemon are depressing.
Hey! What’re these! Actually, these Pokemon are about ten times as cool as the other 4, but still, barely in the tenth percentile of Smugleaf’s coolness. First of all, what about the plagiarism of their own guys. Electric horsey there looks like Ponyta. Like, I know Pokemon is a fascist land where all horses look the same, but that’s Ponyta. I bet it evolves into Sparkdash or something.
The other two are a bit better. Sure, Daruma mixed with Mankey (named “Hihidaruma”. You can’t make that up. That’s why you’re not naming Pokemon) looks kind of shitty, but he’s at least not a blatant ripoff or absolute shit. The sole saving grace is the Ground/Dark crocodile, “Meguroko”. Yes, I know that probably means “evil reptile” or something in Japanese, but I’m not looking it up. You know why? Because he looks passable, he has awesome typing, and…my standards are falling rapidly.
Additional new info: we have a female professor oak (woo!) and the two legendaries adorning the incorrect boxes are Dragon/Fire and Dragon/Electric, and probably really broken. It’s amusing to me, though, that the black one is the mascot of white, and vice versa. That seems…awfully silly.
Smugleaf saves. The rest of you, you’re off my team. Give me a Sandslash and Piplup and let’s call it a day.