E3 Predictions Contest

Like we promised, we are holding a contest which involves predictions for summer’s biggest video game event, E3. Now, the rules are as follows: you must make 10 predictions for what will happen at E3. Simple enough. The catch is, they have to be funny. You have to make us LOL, as it were.

So, 10 humorous predictions. Funniest predictions win. The contest is going to run until June 14th, the day right before E3. And what does the winner get? 20 bucks in the points of their choosing (PSN, XBL, Wii). In order to enter, leave a comment on this post with your 10 predictions, as well as your name. On June 15th we will repost the winner’s 10 predictions, as well as possibly give out runner-up awards and recognition. Only 1 entry per person. You can post less than 10 predictions if you want–10 is the cap, but make them worth our while!

Now get to tickling our funny bone!

Note: in an attempt to keep this contest fair, the rules might change as the contest goes along. We will be completely transparent as to what the changes are, though.


  1. Fernando Cordeiro

    “Natal will be so accurate it will be able to detect erections. On a related note, a remake of Custer’s Revenge is announced.”

    “Ubisoft announces they will build Skynet”

    “Nintendo 3DS is really works without 3D Glasses! First game announced is Magic Eye!

  2. I’m pretty sure us writers can’t enter the contest, Fern. 😛

  3. Fernando Cordeiro

    But the rules didn’t say that… 🙁

    • It would be unfair, Necros. Contestants would have no way of knowing whether or not we’ve rigged it, or something along those lines.

  4. SadAstronaut

    1. Nintendo finally announces authentic next-gen Pokemon games, “Pokemon Brown” and “Pokemon Grey”
    2. Sony issues official response to fans calling them out on the removal of OtherOS: “U Mad Bro?”
    3. Harmonix announces “Rock Band: Brokencyde” complete with hair gel, eyeliner, and all the needed materials to get “crunk”!
    4. Microsoft adds Natal support to Halo: Reach for realistic tea-bagging support.
    5. Hideo Kojima adds Toyota product placement into upcoming Metal Gear game, in which Snake struggles to get the car to brake properly.
    6. Nintendo announces first 3DS game, “Pictures!” in which you stare at images jungle animals that pop out of the screen at you, no glasses required!
    7. Micheal Bay announces new game he is producing, “BOOM”, which involves humongous explosions, epic car chases, multiple CG monsters climbing buildings with no pesky plot to worry about!
    8. Activision announces “Imagine: Spec Opz”, a spin-off of their popular Call of Duty series, complete with dress-up and naptime features!
    9. SEGA announces “Werehog Fun” for Xbox 360 and PS3. “We know how much everybody enjoyed the Werehog stages in Sonic Unleashed”, states producer Akinori Nishiyama, “So we’re giving fans more of what they loved, without those pesky daytime stages!”
    10. Duke Nuken Forever goes back into production, with a tentative release date of December 22nd, 2012.

    • Thanks for the entry, but we don’t have your name!

  5. Jeff Cole

    “Killzone 3 blows the crowd away with it’s stunning cut-scenes, but will lack official gameplay footage until E3 2015…”

    “PS3 Move is shown in action for the first time giving parents another reason to never buy an expensive TV ever again…”

    “A huge fight breaks out between the Activision and Respawn Entertainment booths. Apparently legal battles between the two will continue for the next seven years…”

    “After recently announcing a September 14th release date, Halo:Reach pulls a Halo 2 at E3 and is delayed for a couple of months…”

    “Sony announces PSPgoXL which features a 60% larger screen than the original PSPgo…”

    “Shortly following the announcement of the PSPgoXL, Nintendo announces the 3DSXXL due 3 months after the release of the 3DS…”

    “The new True Crime game is given the award Best of E3 2010…”

    “Blizzard announces their new MMO, Galaxy of Starcraft II which will be broken into 5 different episodes…”

    “Gears of War 3 gameplay is shown off starring the newest COG soldier…Carl Carmine”

    “Nintendo announces that they will release Wii-Motion Advanced which will feature full body motion capture as well as dual wii-motes with awesome colored bubbles at the end for added appeal…”

  6. Lost Loser

    1. A new Battletoads game is announced for the 360 that will be carried exclusively at GameStop. Members of 4chan who call their local GameStops asking for copies of Battletoads will now be greeted with, “That game has not been released yet, but you can preorder one for $10.”

    2. Having already spread into every other genre, Super Mario FPS will finally be announced. At first it will sound just as ridiculous as a fighting game with Mario sounded a decade ago, but it will prove to be so ridiculously addictive it will amass a larger fanbase than Halo and Modern Warfare.

    3. Duke Nukem Forever will once again resurface. It has yet again be restarted from the ground up, and this time features Duke forming an unstoppable team with Bubsy the Cat. The strategy is that placing together two characters no one cares about anymore will create a game that maybe one person might care about.

    4. The new Zelda is announced. It’s a remake of The Adventure of Link done in the art style of Wind Waker with a new Super Guide version of Navi thrown in that can only be disabled by completing the game once. It’s a Zelda unlike any other.

    5. The new Kid Icarus is also announced. In a surprise twist, the final boss fight is supposed to be against Ares, but when Pit arrives to fight him he finds Kratos there instead.

    6. The Ninja Gaiden series once again challenges the skill of hardcore gamers when it announces the Natal enabled Ninja Gaiden III. The only way to perform Ryu’s ninja moves is to act them out perfectly in real life. Also, as an added difficulty Ryu is injected with a poison at the beginning of the game that will kill him in 3 seconds unless the player plays the entire game doing a handstand.

    7. The 3DS unveils its glassesless 3D technology: introducing 3D contacts.

    8. The 3DS will also receive its official name. From now on it will be called the Virtual Boy Color.

    9. Guitar Hero, realizing interest in its series will soon be plummeting, decides to drum up controversy by creating games based on musicians who have based their careers around shock value. When “Guitar Hero: Cannibal Corpse” and “Guitar Hero: Insane Clown Posse” don’t do as well as expected, they will then announce “Guitar Hero: GG Allin”.

    10. We will get our first looks at some brand new PlayStation Move games: Ninjabread Man 2 and The Return of Anubis II.

  7. 1- Gears of War 3 well be in PS3 and sure Xbox 360 .
    2- Gran Turismo 5 well be to see it in next year in 2011 .
    3- all PS3 games well supports 3D and MOVE .
    4- Forza 4 well Announced for PC and Xbox 360 .
    5- Lost Planet 2 well make new charcter game heros like Kratos .
    6- PSP 2 well be Announced .
    7- Xbox 360 Slim well be Announced .
    8- new Mario game well be Announced .
    9- new Call of Dutty well be Announced .
    10- there well be Announced for a DLC story for God of War 3 .

    thats all i think well happen in E3 for thes year and sorry cuz no one of them is funny

  8. Kurt S.

    Gears of War 3 Special Edition will come pact in a trash can

    Microsoft will announce Avatars eat M$ points and malnourishment is a bannable offense

    Valve will announce their version of Bullet Time for half life 3 known as Valve Time

    Natal will come with Milo’s big brother who will always remind you hes watching you.

  9. curly

    i don’t have a ps3, wii, or 360





    • Are there…valve points? or something of that nature? :p

  10. Chris

    1. In an attempt to reach out to those who purchased the PSPGo, Sony reveals a new service wherein representatives follow owners around hurling insults and physical abuse upon the customer to show their appreciation of the user-base. Owners point out that at least Sony is paying attention to them, but are then told they are stupid and to shut-up.

    2. Nintendo reveals the 3DS, and within five minutes announces the 3DSLite. After a moment of quite reflection the announcer then orders the booth security to just manually rob each attendee and threaten the families if anyone thinks of saying a word about what happened.

    3. In an effort to stay current with gaming, the new iPad3D is announced. That’s it, the iPad alone is a joke, so I don’t feel a need to elaborate on this front.

    4. Details emerge on the new Call of Duty. The PC version will simply play a randomly selected Steven Seagal movie anytime someone connects to a dedicated multiplayer server. Internet rejoices over dedicated servers being included.

    5. Valve announces the impending release of Steam for the iPhone and the Commodore 64. When questioned on PS3 support, a statement is issued that the PS3 needs to be more like the noble mantis, and less like the vole. With further questioning it is revealed they simply lost the development PS3 system and were too embarrassed to ask for another.

    6. Microsoft announces Monopoly Live, wherein users can have avatars traverse a board and attempt to bankrupt other players. Players use Microsoft points in place of monopoly money and continue on unaware of any irony in the area.

    7. While showing off the new Sonic game, the developer experiences a mental break and begins to rave that the game needs more superfluous characters and more cut-scenes until he is subdued and dragged off stage. Apologies are issued and it is explained that the reeducation camps are not perfect and sometimes people slip. Capcom then runs on stage and announces a new 3D Megaman RPG to be released in 127 installments of DLC.

    8. Valve, in a huge surprise, announces that Episode 3 will be revealed “later that night.” The press, well aware of Valve Time, wait for days as the developers at Valve have their way with their respective wives and husbands and rob them blind. When the news finally breaks no one notices, as the latest TF2 update dropped and everyone is too busy going for the new hats. Everyone is very upset that they fell for this for a third time.

    9. Blizzard reveals that Nintendo will be handling Starcraft 2s online features. Attendees find their friend code in the swag bags and are encouraged to use the included phrase book to trade codes with friends. The lack of LAN support is all but forgotten and everyone at Blizzard shares a high-five that ends with a freeze frame and sweet’ 80’s music.

    10. Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft jointly reveal their new TV show – Flailing Gamers and Broken Dreams. Featuring hidden camera footage from all respective motion based game accessories. The gaming world soon learns to read those stupid EULA agreements more fully, but agree that Bob Saget makes a wonderful host to videos of them looking stupid.

  11. Gep

    1. Another Halo game is announced, fanboys need change of pants, rest of us still don’t care.
    2. Nintendo unveils another WiiSports that we have to pay for, with another controller attachment that will now be needed for the wiimote to actually work, but no developers will support it, as always.
    3. We get some really short trailer to a sequel that has no relation to the game itself… let’s say Metal Gear Solid 5, and it will have Raiden doing naked cartwheels while Snake chases him.
    4. We get a shitty montage of trailers from the big two… and the one stuck in last-gen, showing the same cross-platforms Maddens shoved in with random shovelware and 2 big titles at the end of each so we have to watch the whole thing.
    5. We see Microsoft change the dashboard again to add more ads. Now we will not only see banners everywhere, but will have to watch commercials for McDonalds before launching a game, and at every loading screen. They claim it will make the system better, and provide better performance on Live.
    6. More motion-sensitive bullshit… from all three.
    7. The people behind Katamari Damacy will show us a game that makes no sense at all… and each and every one of us will want it. It will involve a toilet, a squirrel, an overweight American, and a hotdog. Things roll and stretch… I’ll leave the rest to imagination.
    8. Nintendo will release *another* DS, with even less features. Now it doesn’t even have a DS cartridge slot, just a hole that says “Put money here.”
    9. Nintendo will make false claims that they are revolutionizing the industry.
    10. Sony will act like more than five of us care about Playstation Home, and make more false promises about the content they will add to Home. STOP THE LIES SONY! I WANT MY CONTENT YOU PROMISED ME YEARS AGO! *cries*

  12. 1. Guitar Hero 6: Legends that Suck is announced and will feature only the worst songs in the world.
    2. Makers of Rock Band start on a new rhythm new game called Jazz Hero.
    3. Halo Reach will only be available on the International Space Station. Call of Duty fans say: Oorah!
    4. Perfect Dark 2 won’t be so perfect after all.
    5. Test Drive Unlimited 2 will be published by Microsoft and will offer LIMITED play until you upgrade.
    6. Final Fantasy Adventure (or “FFA” for short) will be the next Final Fantasy game and everyone will want to play it. Well… those that always want to play FFA instead of a team-based death match game.
    7. SilverEar: U.S. Navy Guy (Rare/4J Studios) will be developed for Xbox LIVE Arcade due to licensing issues with GoldenEye 007. The game will use the Perfect Dark engine and be based off the 1987 Cold War spy film No Way Out because it is NOT a Bond film. GoldenEye 007 fans start a riot on every message board on the Internet and boycott SilverEar to the end of time.
    8. Banjo Four-e is announced and is noted to have only 1 unlockable achievement worth 1000 Gamerscore that is even easier than Avatar: The Last Airbender – The Burning Earth. Gamerscore nerds can’t wait to get their copy of the game.
    9. The 3 major console makers (Microsoft, Nintendo, and Sony) show off new 6 button “simple controllers” with only 1 analog stick in an effort to get older gamers to buy newer games. Those older gamers hate the fact that you often need to hold a few buttons to access another feature, but they like the fact that it has less buttons to get confused with.
    10. Sonic the Hedgehog 4 Episode 1 is announced to offer Co-Op, but it requires the use of the Dance Dance Revolution pad to make Sonic run. The demo shows that one player controls which direction Sonic goes, when he jumps, and so forth while the other player (using Dance Dance Revolution pad) controls Sonic’s run speed. Everyone still likes the game anyway and rejoices the fact that Sonic games are going back to 2D gaming. And for some odd reason, chili dogs are very popular outside the Los Angeles Convention Center.

  13. SEGA Scream

    I’m not witty enough for 10 predictions (actually, I’m just lazy), so here are two:

    1. Itching to return to the console business, Panasonic announces a successor to the 3DO. Dubbed the 3DYO, the system will only play games featuring gangsta rappers. Pricing is tentative, but the next-gen console is rumored to cost either 800 gold teeth or 500 gold chains. Flavor Flav is said to be the spokesperson. (Eat it, Kevin Butler! Yeah, boyee!!!)

    2. Looking to re-invigorate the E3 experience, the ESA hosts the first annual “Running of the Nerds,” in which attendees will be chased by crazed LA Lakers fans. Those who survive the stampede will win an “E3: Alive and Kicking” T-shirt and a Kobe Bryant pillowcase.

    And that’s all I got…sorry.

  14. jayunreal

    1. Heavy Snow is announced. It features the ability to play as Shaun when he’s older and into some heavy drugs after his dad’s death.

    2. Ape Escape Move It! is announced for the PS3 as the first “PS3 Move” title. Bonus DLC is rated mature as it features a mini-game called “Legs Escape”, where you control the hands of a barely-legal intern trying to put on her fish-net stockings.

    3. Activision announces another map pack for Modern Warfare 2. The pack will cost $19.99 and feature 2 all new maps and 2 previous maps from the other map packs!

    4. Activision and Ubisoft will quit making games for all consoles after 2010 and instead combine to form a new company. Ubivision will release a brand new console come January 2011 that promises to deliver new games of your favorite series every week! Look forward to launch titles being Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 and Assassins Creed Brotherhood 2, with Call of Duty Modern Warfare 4 and Guitar Hero 6: Band Practice released the next week!

    5. Capcom hints at a release of Viewtiful Joe 4. Except its a Flash game made by a fan instead.

    6. Nintendo and Microsoft make a joined presentation, announcing that Project Natal and the 3DS will be released the same day. The company that sells the most will be crowned the Winner and the losing company will no longer be able to make games. Microsoft then will go on to steal the microphone from Kevin Butler during the Sony press-conference to state that “Natal will be the best motion controller of ALL TIME”

    7. 505 Games announces a new “-Breaker” game. You play as a struggling author and must fight your boss as he tries to break your balls. The rumored titled is “BallBreaker” and set for a sweaty Summer 2011 release.

    8. The sequel to Alan Wake is announced. Each new episode will feature completely new story arcs and ideas, only to not include them in the following game episode. The publisher announced that the Alan Wake series will end after Alan Wake 6 and promises that it’s all not just a dream.

    9. JJ Abrams is releasing a new game called “Ellen Woke”. No other information has been announced, accept it will be episodic and “won’t all just be a dream”.

    10. The PSP2 is announced and it still doesn’t have a 2nd analog nub.

    (E3 predictions by JayUnreal)

  15. Euan McCafferty (ekm29)

    1. Nintendo announces Pokemon 2, Reggie proclaims it will be “bigger, better and more badass”
    2. EA announces ‘High Speed Saxaphone Chase’ for all platforms for 2010
    3. Tetsuya Nomura during an interview “I don’t know what a coocon pulse fal’cie sanctum l’cie is either”
    4. EA says High Speed Saxaphone Chase will be a big franchise. There are already plans for ‘High Speed Saxaphone Chase 2: Tribal Biscuit Dance’
    5. Activision “We invented the FPS with COD4, sure there have been games like Doom and Halo, which claim to be FPS’s, but they were infact bejeweled clones masquerading as FPS”

    I only have 5 predictions, but 5 bad ones are better than 10 good ones, right?

  16. 1. Microsoft announces that they will be publishing games based on popular hentai in both Japan and the West. These games will require Natal. Kevin Butler accidentally creams himself during the stage demonstration.

    2. The Phantom is revealed to have been released very successfully, and we just didn’t notice because it’s sneaky. You know, like a phantom.

    3. Valve announces paid DLC for Team Fortress 2. For $15 players can play “Modern Fortress 2” mode which doesn’t add anything new, but allows players to play Team Fortress Classic maps “without the inconvenience of opening a different window” says Gabe. Modern Fortress 2 does not support dedicated servers, and Gabe promises all profits will be sent to Respawn entertainment.

    4. Nintendo reveals that the Wii vitality sensor doubles as a vibrator. The internet explodes when this is defended as a business decision that will “help us reach further into the red ocean”. Ewww.

    5. During a Q/A panel with Blizzard, an angry fanboy yells into the mike that if Blizzard knew how to make decent games they wouldn’t have sold out to Activision. Kotick replies “Just for that, Starcraft 2 got delayed again”.

    6. Rockstar announces GTA V. It’s set in Liberty City again, and the player is a homosexual Arab woman immigrant who converts to Judaism during the game. Rockstar: “We’re running low on stereotypes, so we decided to go out with a bang. Oh yes, and she’s a ginger.”

    7. Nintendo shows their new Zelda game, and it is a radical departure from series tradition. People are accepting of the changes and seem to like what they see.

    8. The Atlus translation team reveals that they’ve been writing new plots into all the games they translate. Apparently SMT:Strange Journey was supposed to be a licensed adaptation of 2001 Space Odyssey.

    9. The team that developed Dante’s Inferno is announced to be adapting the book of Revelation. It is instantly banned from half the world.

    10. Valve announces that Portal 2 is a lie.

  17. Raymond Mitchell

    1. Mircosoft announces that Mario is comming to natal and names it Super-Natal

    2. Sony will show off new psp and it will be called Go2 but we knew that it was leaked 2 months ago

    3. Bungie Studios will announce that the next Halo Title will not be a mircosoft exclusive

    4. nintendo will release their new title zedla: heartrace which will use nintendo new heart rate crap

    5. Sony will have a team of mines come out and cliam its mircisoft new project natal team

    6.Sony will annonce sony-resort comming in fall

    7. James Oral Jones will annonce Star Wars: the Force Unleashed 2 in the Dark Vador suit!

    8. Nintendo will do their whole presentation in 3D

    9. EA annonces that Mario and Sonic are going to Madden 2012

    10. Nintendo will respond to recent HD comments by presenting a HD dvd player and the release of HD dvd instead of blu rays

    Spolier Alert: Mircosoft will change the name of ZuneHD to iZune

  18. Adam Prowse

    1. Harmonix announces that you will now be able to play keyboard in the game. it will be a full 8 octaves and will be transparent behind everything else already cluttering the screen.

    2. Bungie announces that Halo will be making it’s first appearance to the PS3, on screen you see a puzzled Master Chief as Cratos walks towards him.

    3. Konami comes on the floor to announce a 13th price drop for Rock Revolution, effectively bringing the price down to 93 cents.

    4. Nintendo shows off their vitality sensor, and simultaneously announcing Check-Up!, the new game putting the stethoscope in your hands.

    5. Activision comes out to announce that they are doing so poor financially that they can’t afford to release anything new, then go on to talk about what new songs will be in DJ Hero 2, Guitar Hero 6, and Accordion Hero.

    6. Square Enix announces Final Fantasy 14, another JRPG centered around an emotional teenager with a big sword and a strange girl who can use magic. Shocking.

    7. Sony announces the PSP2, from the crowd you hear an overwhelming DUUH.

    8. Nintendo comes back out to reveal sequels to series such as Mario, Metroid, Zelda, and Kirby. The crowd stares in awe like they didn’t see it coming.

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  20. Devang

    1. Duke Nukem Forever will be on the 3DS.

    2. Gran Tourismo 5 will be delayed until 2012, and will become multiplatform.

    3. The Wii Vitality sensor will require a monthly fee of 500 Wii points to work.

    4. The next Call of Duty will require a monthly fee, along with a fee to play multiplayer, and the single player will be 1600 MS points/x psn equivalent to finish.

    5. Sony announces that Mass Effect 3 will be their exclusive.

    6. The PSP-2 will be leaked nights before E3, only to be the PSP-Go with a built in phone.

    7. Nintendo will announce it’s next system, which will be 3-D+motion control.

    8. Natal has it’s own monthly fee to run.

  21. Keith Murphy

    1. Someone gets punched out on stage during Rare’s demonstration of full motion control Killer Instinct 3. The audience responds by shouting “C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER.”

    2. Not to be outdone by Xbox’s press conference, Jack Tretton takes a swing at EA Sports President Peter Moore during a demonstration of Fight Night Move. Peter Moore, tapping into the power of his Dreamcast years, retailiates with an arcade perfect CROSS COUNTER and hits Tretton for 9/9/99 damage.

    3. Vin Diesel will announce a surprise partnership between his Tigon Studios and Silicon Knights. The game will be called 2 Human 2 Furious.

    4. Microsoft finally shows us the bottom of an avatar’s shoe, the name ANDY is written on the bottom of it.

    5. Guerrilla Games introduces a new white Helghast enemy for Killzone 3, Lucas Arts sues them for ripping off the storm trooper character.

    6. Microsoft announces that its new console is actually from the future. They name it the Xbox T-1000. Unlike the the Xbox 360, it will only get the Red Rings if you boil it in lava.

    7. Square Enix announces Final Fantasy Versus XIV Agito by Sleep for the Mobile Phone. Release date is in 358/2 Days. The Turks are rumored to make a cameo appearance in the game.

    8. Sega announces that Shenmue III will take place in prison after Ryo Hazuki is arrested for asking an undercover cop where he could find some sailors.